I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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