I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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