So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
