At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You took a bar mat shot.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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