Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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