he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
