I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
