So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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