I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
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