38 yer olds are good kisserssss
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
