break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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