My room smells like vodka and shame
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I think my vagina is haunted
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
