a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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