You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Randomize
