Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
