Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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