My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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