i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
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some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
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I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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