First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
