I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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