youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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