I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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