Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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