Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
