you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
