I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Randomize
