Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize