If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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