It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
