well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
