I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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