your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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