the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
honey bunches of taint.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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