I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
