this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
