I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Hippo gnu deer
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
