Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
