I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
