I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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