is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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