I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I know her cup size but not her name....
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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