I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
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dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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