I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
