I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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