my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
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He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
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Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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