Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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