i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
