I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
