I was born with a shot glass in my hand
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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