Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
