somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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