I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
