So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
