barbara walters just said penis...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
