life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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