i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
whose parrot is this?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
