I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
